Navigating Conflict

The most common reason people look for a couples therapist is help with communication. It feels strange that the person we love the most is often the person we have the most conflict with. But it actually makes sense—our partner is our primary attachment figure. Their opinion of us matters, and we want them to love and understand us. In addition, conflict with our partner often brings up emotions and patterns from childhood.

When we argue with out partner, it feels threatening. Our body goes into fight or flight mode. This is also called flooding. When we’re flooded, it’s hard to stay in our “wise mind.” It’s easy to get caught in black and white thinking, criticism, or defensiveness. Our partner no longer seems like our teammate, but our opponent. Once we’re in a flooded state, it’s hard to solve the content of the issue (i.e. where to spend the holidays), because the process (i.e. attacking and defending) gets in the way.

Couples therapy helps people find a communication process that works. I use a combination of Emotion Focused Couples Therapy, Gottman Therapy, and Relational Life Therapy. I find that these methods provide a mix of “why are we doing this” and “what should we do about it.” Emotion Focused Couples therapy helps people understand the emotional patterns they learned in childhood. Gottman Therapy teaches practical strategies for communicating. Relational Life Therapy is a combination of both.

Relationships at every stage 

I work with people in all stages of relationships. This includes people who are single, dating, or going through a breakup. I work with monogamous folks and people in ENM or poly relationships.