Navigating Conflict

When we argue with our partner, it feels threatening. Our body goes into fight or flight mode. This is called flooding. When we’re flooded, it’s hard to stay in our “wise mind.” It’s easy to get caught in black and white thinking, criticism, or defensiveness. Once we’re in a flooded state, it’s hard to solve the content of the issue (i.e. where to spend the holidays), because the process (i.e. attacking and defending) gets in the way.

attachment theory

One lens of looking at a couples dynamic is attachment theory. According to attachment theory, our childhood experiences with our parents or caregivers shape how safe we feel in relationships. The main attachment categories are anxious attachment, secure attachment, and avoidant attachment. I like to look at attachment less as solid categories and more on a spectrum of behavior. As we do our own therapeutic work, we can become more secure and find “earned security.”

Our attachment styles influence how we respond in conflict. Often the person with an anxious attachment style becomes the “pursuer.” This is the person initiating conversations about the relationship and pushing for change. While this desire for change is coming from a need for closeness, the approach can be critical and push other person away. The avoidantly attached partner can feel overwhelmed and start to defend or shut down. This person becomes the “distancer.” They are trying to maintain safety in the relationship by avoiding conflict. The two get caught in a negative cycle where the more one person pursues, the more the other distances.

how couples therapy can help

I use a combination of Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), Gottman Therapy, and Relational Life Therapy (RLT). I find that these methods provide a mix of “why are we doing this” and “what should we do about it.” Gottman therapy and RLT focus on some of the nitty gritty of communication. For example, how to ask for change without sounding critical. Or how to take a structured time out in a conversation when it starts to get heated.

EFT and RLT help people understand how their childhood patterns are at play. The therapist slows partners down to feel their emotions and body sensations that come up during conflict. This can help people get to the core needs and longings underneath a protest behavior. For example, people are often defensive to protect themselves from feeling shame or like “I’m not enough.” By getting to the underlying vulnerable emotion, partners can come closer rather than push each other away.

all relationships 

I am a member of the queer community and trans ally. I work with monogamous folks and people in ENM or poly relationships. I don’t see partners who have already split up without a plan to reconcile, but I’m happy to refer you to a co-parenting specialist or compassionate divorce lawyer.