Navigating Conflict

When we argue with our partner, it feels threatening. Our body goes into fight or flight mode. This is called flooding. When we’re flooded, it’s hard to stay in our “wise mind.” It’s easy to get caught in black and white thinking, criticism, or defensiveness. Once we’re in a flooded state, it’s hard to solve the content of the issue (i.e. where to spend the holidays), because the process (i.e. attacking and defending) gets in the way.

Couples therapy helps people find a communication process that works. I use a combination of Emotion Focused Couples Therapy, Gottman Therapy, and Relational Life Therapy. I find that these methods provide a mix of “why are we doing this” and “what should we do about it.”

attachment theory

One lens of looking at a couples dynamic is attachment theory. According to attachment theory, our childhood experiences with our parents or caregivers shape how safe we feel in relationships. The common attachment categories are anxious attachment, secure attachment, and avoidant attachment. I like to look at attachment less as solid categories, and more on a spectrum of behavior. As we do our own therapeutic work, we can become more secure and find “earned security.”

Our attachment styles influence how we respond in conflict. Often the person with an anxious attachment becomes the “pursuer.” This is the person initiating conversations about the relationship and pushing for change. While this desire for change is coming from a need for closeness, the approach can be critical or loud. The delivery makes the avoidantly attached partner feel overwhelmed and start to defend or shut down. This person becomes the “distancer.” They are trying to maintain safety in the relationship by avoiding conflict. The two get caught in a negative cycle, where the more one person pursues, the more the other distances.

Relationships at every stage 

I work with people in all stages of relationships. This includes people who are single, dating, or going through a breakup. I work with monogamous folks and people in ENM or poly relationships.